|
| Argh! You don't know how bad I really feel like talking to you right now. Like, I don't know why I reallyreallyreally want to IM you and say hello and ask how you are. I just want to tell you about my day because I like sharing it with you. I don't know why I have these sudden urges... AHH. I don't know when the day will be where I'm like, Fuck it. I give up. -_-; how long will i lastttttttttttttttttttttt!
| | |
| Popular, popular me. I swear I did not expect to have 32 views on my xanga. I know I'm writing public and all, but the most I expected was about 5. I've only visited my xanga page like what? Three times? I usually don't read what I've written...but I did recently after I saw I had numerous views. Am I really that interesting? It kind of makes me feel good about myself. Hah! I'm actually kind of flattered that people are interested in my life, because I, myself, would not take the time reading someone else's xanga...unless I'm obsessed with them of course, which is very rare. I wonder who you are. Yes you. Nosing in on me and my life! Just kidding, but it'd be interesting to know who's reading my stuff. I know for sure Kevin and Tanya read it because they told me. I'm already surprised that they even took the time to read my blogs...especially because they were somewhat personal. I don't mind though. It's true... every word. What's the point of lying to the xanga... might as well not blog. So...I feel pretty good today. Happier than I expected. Maybe it's because I went to a party. Hmm. I'm not sure, but I can't wait to go shopping tomorrow! I've ran out of party clothes. Well, I have this one outfit but I'm saving it for the strip club when I finally go. Finally. I've been 18 far too long. Um... I really don't know why I'm blogging, to be honest. I think I just wanted to comment on how I have 32 views and I'd like to know who you are. Don't be shy. =)
So, I seriously think I'm in love with the film world. I get so proud of myself when I finish editing something. There's this new video contest called "Speak New Words"...but I doubt I'll ever get to it. It requires writing your own lyrics--something I'm not very good at. About school--I started early. I'm taking Eng101 and Fis100 to start my year off in the summer. I plan to finish my undergraduate course in three years. I should make an appointment with my adviser to create a three-year plan. By that time, I will be 21. That's when I'm going to enjoy life and just work. It sounds very simple and fun actually. No school, no stress, no deadlines--just working with editing and film, and I don't find that tedious at all. I just want to get school over and done with. I think school is whack--especially college. We have to take all these general core classes which are easy-cheesy because we learned it in high school. I think if all those were erased... and college is really college (meaning college is actually about pursuing your ambition and goals, instead of learning about junk that doesn't have anything to do with your major) I would finish college in two years. I guess it's necessary... for those who keep switching their majors. I'm a double major: Film Studies and Dance. Most likely, I'm going to switch as a minor. I love performing, I love dancing... but it's not something I would passionately pursue. Okay, I think I've done enough talking(blogging) today... so I'm going to stop here because I can always talk on forever. =) Thanks for being a fan of my life. Hah! I'm so flattered. <3
Btw, you should check out my videos at
http://www.youtube.com/user/iewicai
| | |
| Hello again. So... I see that people still use xanga. I'm kind of afraid that certain people may read what I say... but, I guess it's okay. Anyways... I've been reading my relationship book and I'm almost done with it. Okay, I'm just going to flat out and say what's on my mind because it's true. I was discussing the book with Kevin and he told me that it seems to him like I'm not over youknowwho--and I'm not. I admit it. It's going to take me forever--or at least it feels like it. Well anyways, after reading this book I realized that Chung and I had quite a lot of problems. And I think it's safe to say that we both really loved each other--we just ran into a lot of problems common couples run into. And we both always tried to talk things out because we both knew we had to--yet they just led to even worse arguments and no conclusion. We always believed that our own opinions were correct and the other person was wrong--but after reading this book... I realized that we did all the wrong things. We never knew how or what to specifically talk about... and I think that's what ruined our relationship--among many other things. So, Kevin tells me that maybe I should start talking to him again. I sad no... that's a bad idea. I realized that... to be happy with someone, you should be happy with yourself first. But then now... I'm not so sure. He also asked me, if I could say anything to Chung right now... what would I tell him. And I really don't know why... but immediately, I said I would tell him that I think we're perfect. Perfect for each other... because I really do think we are. I don't really know what Chung thinks though. I told Kevin that talking to Chung was a bad idea. He doesn't even want to talk to me obviously... and Kevin told me not to assume. But I honestly believe that Chung, right now, thinks SHE broke up with me SHE doesn't want to be with me... so it's done and over... I have to get over this. I'm sure he doesn't believe that he can do anything about it... and even I don't know if he can. PLUS, I've been such a big bitch to him, maybe he thinks he deserves better. And maybe he does. I really don't know. I don't know anything. I don't even know if we will risk another chance of fighting and arguing and continuing in our never ending circle of unhappiness... if there really is a point in trying to be with each other again. Like... if we do end up breaking up again... I don't want our getting back together to be pointless. I really don't know. But right now... I still believe that if we're meant for each other, then we'll see each other again. So I'm trying to be patient and let things happen. I guess I'm trying to take the time right now to be happy by myself and try to live life without someone to share it with. I think that's the right decision. Even if I am right about everything...how it is possible for us to work it out--I don't think I should force anything at all. I'll just wait until we unexpectedly cross paths one day... | | |
| Erica. Erica. Erica. I don't know why I'm blogging. I had something on my mind today that I wanted to blog about, but I kind of forgot. I think I'm beginning to feel a little bit better about myself and such. I'm still uncertain about how I feel about Chung. Some days I really miss him and some days I feel like it was the right thing to do. I really don't know which one I've decided to follow just yet. I guess there are a couple things that are bothering me right now. I don't feel so confident about myself, but I just keep telling myself this one quote I read. "One person's success does not take away from your own" or something like that. I thought that one was good. And I've also been thinking a lot about, "People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do". I think i would specify... but I'm kind of afraid someone will run across my blog entry--so I'll keep names to myself.
I've been thinking a lot about careers and stuff to. Like... what do I want to do? I want to make a difference in someone's life--but when I think about it... teaching is not really what I would go for. I think the reason for me thinking so much about jobs, careers and life is because I'm flat ass broke now and I really need money--especially because I recently got a ticket. Well, it's 2:00--and I'm really not in the mood anymore. So I guess I will be back when I'm back. <3 | | |
| Hello, hello. So, I'm back here blogging again because I feel like there's no one that can understand how I feel. Either that, or I don't really like expressing my sadness with others. So... Last night, I talked to Andrew--and I don't really know why I feel so close to Chung when I talk to them. I don't know if it's because I can feel how close of a relationship they have or whatnot... but every time I talk to one of them... I feel so close to Chung and I can't stop thinking about him. Or maybe it's because we always bring the topic back up. Andrew updated me with his condition when I didn't really want an update... but whatever. I guess it makes me feel good to know what he's up to. So... I really don't know why I'm making this blog public... well actually I do. I have some hope that he might read this and begin to talk to me or some shit. It's a one in million chance... but maybe he'll read it. I really miss him. It's horrible. I mean... I look okay on the outside, but I don't think anyone truly understands how I feel inside.
Andrew and me talked about prom. I was really upset that he came to the party. Reason why--he was supposed to be my date for that night. He was supposed to be the one who was holding my hand, embracing me, dancing with me and sneaking me kisses throughout the night--but he wasn't. He didn't ask me to go to prom and I was really disappointed, but I decided to deal with it. I decided to not have one thought about him and have the time of my life. Even though, I truly couldn't without him there. But then he had to beg to go to the after-party. Why? Why would you do that? How selfish can you be. This was my night. The night you were supposed to spend with me... yet you want to come to the party and rub it in my face that we're not together anymore. That I have to look at you and not be able to kiss you, hug you or even touch you the way we used to. I was outraged. Then I did something really immature. I was trying to enjoy myself--getting attention and all. I probably hurt him a lot by ignoring him and talking to other guys and dancing with others. I admit it, it was immature, but I couldn't help myself. I was so angry.
Recently, I've been reading this book about relationships. We have so many problems that could have been solved quickly... but we never did. We did everything the wrong way. I could probably spend hours talking about this theory of communication and relationships and how we handled it wrong... but what's the point. Just because I know how to solve our old problems doesn't mean it's actually going to fix the problem that's happening now. We don't talk at all. It hurts because I think he was my best friend too.
I think I'm too in love with him. In the book it said that when women hurt, they give more love, in hopes of receiving the same gesture in return. But ironically, it does the opposite. I think that's me. I'm so stupid. You know after the conversation last night--I started thinking about all the things that went wrong. And now... I feel like it's my fault. Maybe it was me who was a bad girlfriend. I don't know. I mean, he did some things that were uncalled for... but I think I'm going to finally admit that I wasn't the best girlfriend. I thought I was, but now that I think about it... I could have been better. Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I went back in time to fix everything. I don't know!! Maybe I need this--to be alone. I think I need to find how to be happy with myself, because I realized that if you're not happy with yourself--how can you be happy with someone else. I don't know, but I'm really unhappy with myself and the way things are turning out for me. Sometimes I feel like I have no friends--whenever I talk to them about these things... I can just FEEL them being annoyed with me and my Chungtalk. So, I don't try to talk about it a lot. I keep a lot to myself... which I know isn't a good thing. But who do I really have to talk to? With full confidence? It's difficult for me to trust people. :\ That's why I'm doing this stupidass blog thing. It kind of makes me feel better.
You know, I've been really creative and making things for people and such. I read this quote that says if you're loving in one way--you're love spreads in all directions. I don't know... I really enjoy the reaction of my gift receivers--but who's going to give me things to cherish and react to. Whatever I guess.
So, I guess if I had to learn something from this relationship... I learned a couple things. The reason why I liked Chung so much was because he lived his life so care-freely. Didn't care about one thing. About what anyone thought or anyone did. Was just whatever with everything. I want to be like that... so I guess I shouldn't take life so seriously, but it's so difficult. So difficult to do it by myself. I really hope to meet my soul mate or the love of my life or amazing ass friends. I don't know how long I can last trying to be happy... instead of actually being happy. | | |
|
